so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
