I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
