she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
