I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
