We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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