I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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