What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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