We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
