Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
