Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
