There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
