im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
