my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize