I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
