i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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