Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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