I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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