Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
