hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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