New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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