my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
