Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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