I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize