When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
