so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
