I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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