u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
