What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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