so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize