I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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