i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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