Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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