respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
