they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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