My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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