that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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