The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
