i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
