hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
