hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
