anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
