I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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