I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
