I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
