My nipple is on Facebook.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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