wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
