i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
