Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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