can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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