I wanna bring you to show and tell
one might say we're banned from that church
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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