oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
