And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
