I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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