if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
