yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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