I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Two words: blizzard sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
