i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
