I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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