just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
